Letter to Speaker Pelosi from "Boots on the Ground"

Dear readers, coming to you straight from "Boots on the Ground" in sunny, fun-filled Iraq where camel spiders are pets and the craters from long-ago US air strikes double as sandtraps on the 5th hole that even Tiger Woods would "love". ______________________ Dear Speaker Pelosi: I hear you are in the Middle East? Right? Didn’t your office get the warnings from the White House about the place? Sorry, I forgot. They don't take your calls so you're probably not on their "call list". Pity. Well, since you appear to know everything about the region and how to fix it, then there’s no point for the President, his cabinet, diplomats, or the military to keep their jobs. I guess I can retire and get a job shoveling cow manure and work my way up to congress. At least I have prior experience in properly dealing with terrorists and their supporters so I should have a chance. I know I have experience shoveling "human waste" from one place to another so, yep, I'm probably over-qualified for congress. I have two questions though, what was your job again? I don’t recall that job having a requirement of traveling to the Middle East on a fact finding mission, although I may be wrong. Wait, you’re on spring break, which makes it OK. Can you take Sean Penn and other Hollywood stars with you? I’m sure they’d love to go. Remember, just a head's up, the men here in the Middle East don’t like Americans, especially women, getting involved in their business. Well, I suppose I can tell my soldiers that we’re going home early because you’re going to take care of the war for us. One thing Nancy, if you’re “invited” to take a boat cruise in the Persian Gulf and top it off with a cultural tour of Iran, make sure you check out the brochure first. I hear they offer free flexcuffs, black hoods and beatings as part of the “Foreign Oppressor” package. And if you act now, they’ll also get you on TV to say hi to your friends back home. It might launch your acting career in Hollywood by reading their prepared script that explains how America is making sure Iran is misunderstood by the world. One more thing Nancy, I have a PFC (that’s Private First Class if you didn’t know) here who is looking forward to replacing you as House Speaker the next time we vote between firefights, IED, mortar & rocket attacks. But don’t worry, he’s not going on a fact finding trip to America because he’s busy here fighting for the Iraqi people’s freedom and for your right to do…..whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing. And exactly why weren't those new personnel carriers that are designed to deflect IEDs funded? Hmmmm.... From "Boots on the ground", along with my men, keeping congress safe. PS - How is your Murtha "surrender first - tally up the Iraqi body count later" buddy doing? How's your new plane working out for you? Cutting back on the use of foreign fuel is it?